by:By Claire Porter, Technology Editor From: news.com.au April 19, 2013 11:39am
ENOUGH with the food photos. Shut it down.
WE all know them. The friends who post photos of their food, or who boast about their fitness regime. If Facebook wasn’t so damn political we would have unfriended them a long time ago. News.com.au has put together a list of the 10 most annoying kinds of Facebook users.
Remember that time where you’d whack together a really impressive meal and you’d take it over to your neighbour’s house to show them? Yeah. Neither do I. Nobody cares what you’re eating. It takes a special kind of arrogance to post photos of the fancy five-star restaurants. What a humblebrag, (we’ll get to that in a moment). Int the mean time, food photos. Just. Don’t
The passive aggressive status update poster
Facebook is not your therapist. Vague, passive aggressive status updates do not replace therapy sessions. And there’s a Facebook group to prove it. If you have a problem with someone, confront them directly AND NOT ON FACEBOOK. If you need help, say so. But posting “I’ve had it with manipulative people” or “I’m literally crying right now” and then saying “nothing” when someone inevitably asks you what’s wrong, is not ok. You’re like the boy who cried wolf. Eventually, people will stop replying to your cries for attention. And then what are you going to do? Switch to Twitter? Expect less sympathy.
The fitness junky
Nobody cares that you just logged 25km on your Nike Fitness app. Or that you eat kale. And quinoa. It is not a replacement for real food. Every time you boast about your amazing healthy lifestyle your friends are plotting ways to sneak lard into your food. Also, organic doesn’t mean low fat. Nobody is jealous of your sugar-free organic cheesecake. It probably tastes like nothing. But it’s also probably still full of carbs. Which is fine because eat something for goodness sake!
The FourSquare king
He knows all the coolest bars and restaurants and the places you’ve only just discovered are already uncool and so 2012. And the only thing worse than someone who boasts about the hotspot he’s visiting (on a Tuesday night I might add), is someone who checks in at their own home. And names their shady shoebox studio “The Kingdom” or something equally wanky. Your check-ins may score you free entry or discounted drinks but for every dollar you save, your own personal stock will plummet. Meanwhile what are your friends doing while you’re busy proving to the world what a social butterfly you are? You’re probably missing out on some top-notch conversation. Put the phone down and enjoy the nightlife.
The sanctimonious parent
You post too many photos of your children. And after that horrible, horrible birthing photo, your friends now know more about your va-jay-jay than they would ever wish to. Your offspring’s first poo or first solid meal is significant only to you. You are not the first person to have a child, and you’re not the last. Spare us your righteous indignation.
The brand man
If you insist on liking pages so that your next meal at Subway is free, at least change your settings so it doesn’t appear on the wall of all of your friends. Because now we’re getting spammed by them too. Also, most of the competitions you enter are fake. Stop liking brands on Facebook.
Facebook is not going to start charging people to use the site. It’s also not going to shut down. Use your head. And if you can’t trust yourself to exercise basic logic, there’s always Google and Snopes.com. Calm down. Take a breath. And stop posting updates with link to fake petitions.
If you really hated that new haircut you wouldn’t post five selfies of yourself doing the same duckface. And I’m sure being hit on constantly is just SUCH a drag. The only two scenarios where bragging is appropriate is if you’ve met your favourite celebrity or have won an award. But if you insist on bragging at least be brazen about it. The internet will give you a pass. We’ve got your back. But your everyday false modesty is sickening. Instead of relying no Facebook to validate your self-worth, take some time to appreciate how awesome your life is silently and offline.
The third person
Stop writing about yourself in third person. It’s just weird and wrong.
The “wish you were here” photo poster
“Wow, that stock photo you posted of the mansion with a pool overlooking the ocean makes me jealous of your high-flying life”, said no one ever. Nobody is fooled by the sunset photo you pulled off Google. Or the stock photo of a model swimming under a waterfall. We know how much you earn. We like you as you are. Your life is just fine as it is.
– People who post photos of their nails.
– People with too much time on their hands: Stop clogging up people’s walls.
– Racists, bigots, sexists and idiots. Take your vitriol elsewhere.
– Selfies. Enough with the duckface.
– Public Displays of Affection: Your perfect relationship sickens us.
Are you still on Facebook?
Here is something else you will “miss out on”!